Jessica Rabbit famously once said, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” But not all fictional characters are so lucky. Many are created overweight, out of shape, and in need of a good workout. But that doesn’t mean they can’t change…We spoke to Steve Edwards, Beachbody’s VP of Fitness and Nutrition, to figure out which program would help such characters as Santa Claus, Homer Simpson, and the Blob get into shape.
WEIGHT: 239 lbs.
One night, after being thrown out of an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant for eating too much, Homer drove around until 3 AM looking for another all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant. His compulsive eating is matched only by his compulsive drinking and his compulsive aversion to exercise.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “I’d probably start him with 10-Minute Trainer because he needs to do something suited to his short attention span that will change his habits without a lot of time investment. Homer’s the kind of person who will find any excuse to not exercise. But ten minutes a day? Pretty hard to find an excuse not to do that.”
AGE: 35 (in cat years)
WEIGHT: 30 lbs.
Garfield’s diet consists of lasagna (which he eats by the pan), coffee, and the occasional houseplant. His only exercise comes when he smacks Odie across the nose, smushes a spider, or tries to mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “Cats are athletically gifted, even if they’re out of shape, so I’m thinking we’d want to start Garfield on a basic-level movement-based program like FOCUS T25. It’s basically twenty-five minutes of movement-based, high-intensity training. Then, when he’s done, I’d move him into THE ASYLUM, which would help him in his fights with Odie.”
THE PENGUIN FROM BATMAN
WEIGHT: 175 lbs.
Because of his height and weight, the Penguin typically waddles when he walks, which is not conducive to regular exercise. He also has a business to run, and Batman to run from, so he doesn’t have a lot of time.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “I would give him P90X3 because it’s a diverse fitness program. He’s often fighting off Batman, so the more versatile he is, the better chance he’ll have to escape. Plus, the program is only 30 minutes a day, so he’ll be able to squeeze that into his busy schedule.”
MARIO FROM SUPER MARIO BROS.
WEIGHT: 200 lbs.
Though he does a lot of running and jumping, and has a healthy, mushroom-based diet, this portly plumber still has the Buddha belly he’s had since 1981.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “He does a lot of cardio, so what he needs to do is lift weights so he can change his body composition. I’d put him on Body Beast, which is a bodybuilding program. He’s already fit, we don’t need to get him fitter, but we need to change the way he trains and get his metabolism moving in a way where he’ll burn more calories.”
BOMBUR FROM THE HOBBIT
WEIGHT: 100 lbs.
Often referred to as “Poor Fat Bombur,” this dwarf did get some exercise when he joined his friends on a quest to free the Lonely Mountain from the dragon Smaug. Though, sadly, this was the only exercise he ever got.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “He’s kind of in a similar situation as Mario, since he walks around a lot. But he’s a lot less athletic. So he needs more movement-based training. I’d put him on P90X2 because it would not only help him change his body type, but he also wants to get ready for adventure, and P90X2 is our ultimate performance program.”
ERIC CARTMAN FROM SOUTH PARK
WEIGHT: 90 lbs.
Besides living in a constant state of denial about his weight—”I’m not fat,” he often says, “I’m big boned”—Eric also lives on a steady diet of Cheesy Poofs, chicken pot pie, and fast food, while avoiding most exercise.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “With a guy like that, you want to find an exercise he’ll like to do. So I’d give him LES MILLS COMBAT, which is a martial arts program. It would be good for someone like Cartman because COMBAT would make him forget that he’s exercising and think he’s working on his fighting moves.”
RALPH KRAMDEN FROM THE HONEYMOONERS
HEIGHT: 5′ 10″
WEIGHT: 250–300 lbs.
As a bus driver, Ralph sits eight hours a day. As a man constantly trying to come up with get-rich-quick schemes, Ralph also sits for a different eight hours a day. You can see the problem.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “He’d also be a candidate for 10-Minute Trainer, but since his wife wants him to go dancing and do more active stuff, and he’s resistant to it, I’d give him Hip Hop Abs instead. He’s out of shape, and almost any of our programs would work for him, but Hip Hop Abs gives you a little more rhythm, which might get him to take his wife dancing.”
THE BLOB FROM THE BLOB
WEIGHT: increases with every meal
After landing in the woods outside a small town in Pennsylvania, the Blob proceeded to eat an old man, a doctor, a nurse, a car mechanic, a janitor, a movie projectionist, and a bunch of movie patrons in a single night. Which isn’t healthy (or a good way to make friends).
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “The Blob didn’t like the cold. So I’d go with Brazil Butt Lift, which was shot on a beach set. It’s an indoor video program, but you’re looking at people on a beach. If the Blob can look at the beach all the time, it would probably be pretty motivated to exercise.”
WEIGHT: 5 clouds and 10 stars
While he works hard on Christmas Eve, old Saint Nick spends the rest of the year sleeping, fishing, and playing World of Warcraft. He also, on Christmas Eve, eats tons of cookies but only drinks half of the milk that kids leave out for him.
WHICH PROGRAM IS RIGHT FOR HIM? “I think he needs P90X because it builds a functional fitness base that can see you through for a long time. And because the program trains you so thoroughly, you can keep your results for a long time. It’s a little more of a time investment up front, but for his schedule, it would be the best thing.”